Learning to Give Up: The Right Way

While trying my hardest to not give up during my depressive periods is a form of survival, and while trying my hardest not to give up on my education given the challenges…  Not giving up has been twisted in my brain in a very maladaptive way when it comes to academics:

I don’t turn in my work.

I know, it makes no sense, “Doesn’t that mean you DO give up?”
Hear me out.

Somehow i get the idea that i CANNOT, MUST NOT turn in partial work.
Lord knows an unfinished essay with my name has not seen the light of day. Ever.
For some reason, i cannot bring myself to turn in a late assignment without prepping and shielding my shuddering heart from the waves of anxiety.
I either turn in something that is acceptably adequate, or i turn in nothing.

And that has not worked out fine.

I think I must share something happened just minutes ago.
Something that shook my very core.
Something I would have never attempted had somebody paid me.

A friend of mine was not able to do an assignment in which we were required to analyze a myth from any culture through one of the anthropological approaches.
That’s fine.
It’s happened to me.
I could relate… until she, in 2 minutes, googled “American myths”, found one that sounded interesting, and printed it out “for partial credit, at least.”

“At least”.

That struck me.

I had never even tried to THINK of this idea, and it was there, in my face.

I need to learn to do that.
Maybe not in that degree, but something!

Now, I’m not here to debate on the standard of the United Statian educational system.
I’m not here to argue for or against academic ethics.
I’m here to study and learn how to live in a system, because believe it or not, i want to survive.

So i need to learn to give up (within reason) on my idea of perfection.
I don’t mean, let go, try the minimum amount of work required (No, ma’am, I want to learn my craft and enjoy it).  I’m saying, i need to learn to try my hardest, and if my hardest is not enough in my eyes… it’s ok.  Let it go, turn it in, for partial credit, at least.

Biggest little step: Waking up

I’ve been reflecting on these past few years. After a depressive slump, and a slew of following episodes that incapacitated me for years, i went into self care mode. I worked hard at being happy.  I worked hard at going … Continue reading

Bad DREAMer: A Story

We all know the DREAMer!
You know, the smart, high achieving, PhD bound kid with no papers.
The one that somehow managed to do 50 hours of community service per week during high school and got into every Undocumented-Studentprivate university in the country after.
The UndocuAmerican with no accent that tries so hard.
You know him!

She’s everywhere!

I’m not that person.
Continue reading